Taking time to be a dad

by Harijan

Mister President Obama,

After a hard day’s work (like you suggested that I do), I was watching Family Guy on hulu on this beautiful Friday evening when you came onto my macbook screen and said, “take time to be a dad today.”

Sir, I am glad this was brought to your attention. As your intelligency might have gathered, I have been wanting to be a dad for about a year now. But no matter how hard I try, I cannot seem to figure out how find a suitable woman who would carry my seed for nine grueling months; who is crazy enough to do it again for nine months with a second one; and who is paradoxically patient and wise enough to let me be a man and a dad without having to sacrifice life’s important qualities like happiness, self-worth, and self-sustainability.

Now, I know that it is hard to find a good woman for a good man. As you probably have extrapolated from my performance in other areas of life (work, fun, friends), I would make one of the excellent-est dads America… nay, the World in its human history, has seldom seen. Hence, my utmost careful criteria has made it that much more difficult to procreate and take time to be a dad.

I just am not equipped with the proper baby-making unit.

Mr. President, I ask you to help me so I can help the country. I will take time to be a dad, if you’ll take time to find me a good woman. A gentleman like you, I know you know some good women.

As the supreme leader of the world, I know you must be busy. Thank you for your time on this matter. I look forward to taking time to be a dad.

Aram Harijan

p.s. I know my parents would really freak out if she was of non-Asian background, so please keep this in mind. By this, I mean I really want to shock their world.

I want them to stay awake at night asking each other, “our grandchildren are going to be white/black/green?”