In Response to Last Saturday Night.

by Harijan

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Oakland,

Before I say anything else, I just want to say that I thoroughly enjoyed spending time with you in the ED this weekend. It’s not everyday that I get to fix up scalp lacerations, and I got to stitch up two scalp lacs. Quiet nicely for an intern, I would have to say. Thank you.

I also enjoyed the opportunity to run trauma codes, and I am glad that no one of you had irreversible injuries or … expired.

Now I know that I was very slow to begin with, but the young gentleman patient was a bit too quick to judge how I was too slow to assess his serious condition.

Well, excuse me, sir. I did warn you not to get shot, stabbed, or generally get hurt badly, didn’t I?

I know that mine was a satirical letter design to entertain others and also console my soul, and also that you didn’t come there out of your own volition.

Sirs and Madams, I was not trauma intern on my first month out of my own volition.

Since you couldn’t do anything to get out of that situation, I think you would best understand the situation that I was in: I am supposed to take care of you whether you believe me to be a competent doctor or not.

Please believe me when I say, “I am as competent as July interns come. To have me, you are as lucky as a star in a constellation with friend stars and not like that forgotten star, all alone up in a dark hole of distant and sobbing little space dust every night.”

Again, thank you so much for breaking in my trauma virginity. I was scared, but you made it worth the fear and pain.

Let’s do it again two weekends from now.

Resuscitatively yours,