The Universe was created on a Thursday. It was 1:32 in the afternoon, some 14 billion years ago.
God woke up and, for a second, wondered how He had gotten there. Then it dawned on Him that night prior He had attended a weekly meeting at a local community center.
Of all things, it was an atheistic forum. The lot of nonbelievers, they gathered every Wednesday night to discuss either the impossibility or the improbability of God and other unrelated subjects such as Darwinism, Plumbing, etc.
Now, it does appear counterintuitive that God would attend an atheist meeting. After all, it would be as ridiculous as if a person frequented discussions among a group of Chimpanzees who constantly argued for the non-existence of Homo sapiens species. Such a context would be impossible to explain to the great apes. In the case of God and the atheists, however, there exists three perfect human reasons.
First and foremost, the atheists offered God a great deal of anonymity, which He seldom received among the theists. Among the nonbelievers, God felt free to show up without fear of someone walking up to Him and asking for miraculous favors such as lottery numbers or keeping alive some poor old body whose soul was entirely overdue somebody else.
The atheists never begged. They respected God’s free will. He found that whole “God save those who save themselves” affair refreshing.
Second of all, the atheists left God alone. Like all things non-existent, they paid little attention to defining God. As such, it was among the atheists that God felt really free to be Himself without the fear of having to stand up to some artificial standard of “God.” Truly, if there was one place where God felt least judged, it was in a room full of atheists.
Third of all, the atheists gave God an opportunity to learn about the things which had nothing to do with the contentious issue of the existence of Himself. Neither a sane person nor God would feel the burning desire to prove one’s own existence. Rather, He liked to listen to the secular philosophers, whose arguments were often so convincing that God Himself would have to pinch Himself when the thought “do I exist?” occurred to the Almighty. It was a strange trick that, as far as God knew, worked only on God himself.
That was a true mystery to God. The atheists have completely proved the implausibility of His existence. Yet, there He was – listening to atheists and jotting down notes. The whole situation – God convinced of His Nonexistence – was a paradox at the highest existential level. Strange, really.
At any measure of time, it was that night prior to the beginning God attended another weekly Wednesday atheist forum. The speaker of the day was a pedantic professor of sociology whose main message was the ridicule of creationism to the favor of evolution in public education. God Himself was in favor of evolution, too, but it did not please Him one bit that the young professor was so sure of everything.
It was God – and not the young professor – who had seen through time and saw the origin of species and the whole process of natural selection. Why should then the young professor be so sure about something that God Himself saw through? God thought briefly, but soon drifted off to that time before the asteroid when dinosaurs roamed the Earth.
Everyone at the atheist meeting had already read the Wikipedia article on creationism in public education, which was the article the young professor had used to prepare the PowerPoint slides. It was a redundant subject matter to the atheist audience perhaps except for God. And God had tuned out from the lecture to daydream about the dinosaurs.
The professor finished his lecture. The audience clapped out of formality, and God abruptly woke up from the daydream and joined the applaud with a slight sense of guilt for having lost interest in the lecture. The professor was oblivious to all that was going on in each audience’s mind. He was just glad it was done.
No one present had any questions except God, but God realized He would much rather look it up on Wikipedia when He got home that night.
After the talk, as was customary, coffee and tea were served. There God mingled and met a newcomer Mary, who was not an atheist but a devout Baptist and a virgin at the age of thirty-one. Of all people, it was Mary who recently came to the conclusion above – that God would most likely hang out with atheists – and made it a point to visit atheist groups.
Why was Mary looking for God?
Maybe she wanted something from God. Maybe she was in search of a question whose answers were hidden in God’s down pillows. Who knows? Mary was a believer. One cannot understand a believer. Not even God.
The point is that even God did not know who Mary was. If He knew, He would not have gone to that meeting that night. But that’s not what happened. God went there NOT looking for Mary to a place where Mary went looking for God.
So one thing led to another, and God ended up at Mary’s apartment that Wednesday night/Thursday morning.
At 3A.M., God finally realized that Mary was a prude and a stalker. Mary started crying about how hard her life had been and how her life was going to turn around now that she had found Him. Horrified, God excused himself to the bathroom on account of some nameless Indian dish he had eaten earlier and snuck out the window to freedom. God walked home barefoot and fell asleep in His bed. The same bed in which He found Himself that Thursday early afternoon.
God instantly freaked out because He realized it was the Day of Creation and had slept through the alarm. He was supposed to create the Universe at 1:32P.M. that day. God gazed at the clock. It said 1:31 P.M.
A minute left!
God inhaled in a rush and exhaled, “Let there be Light.” In that moment, the clock turned 1:32 P.M. and the Universe was born. A lot of crazy things were happening with light moving so fast that it was sowing subatomic particles into a rapidly expanding space. That was Big Bang.
So that Thursday at 1:33 P.M., God took another breath in relief. Having done all His chores for the day, He checked off a bunch of todo things off his list. Having found Himself free again, God got on his laptop and looked up the Wikipedia article on creationism in public education.